NEWSLETTER ARCHIVE

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3rd September 2001 - Page 2

Suddenly
shopping because I don't know what size she wears. 
The following are actual instructions found on the various items: 
ON A FROZEN DINNER: 
Serving suggestion: Defrost. 
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: 
Fits one head. 
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT: 
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) 
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: 
Product will be hot after heating 
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body 
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: May cause drowsiness 
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: 
Warning: Keep out of children 
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: 
For indoor or outdoor use only. 
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: 
Warning: Contains nuts 
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: 
Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. 
ON A SWISS CHAINSAW:
Warning. Do not attempt to stop chain with hands.

This poem was awarded the 2nd position in the Junior section of the poetry writing competition.
Suddenly the world around 
me went
blank,
There wasn't 
any money
in the bank.		 Anyone and anything can kill me human, animal or a shed.
I never trusted angels again
And this was an explanation, not a bargain
Varini Sharma
VII - A
Oh! I had this crazy urge just to spend,
But this desire I had to fend.

I was a poor street urchin,
Not a wealthy merchant.
Suddenly out of the blue from nowhere,
Appeared an angel with sea-blue eyes and blond hair.
She told me to sit down and pray,
Where there is a will, there has to be a way.
Calmness like never before,
Washed over me more and more.

Suddenly the world around me went blank,
She knocked me over with a heavy-duty tank.
"Angels and all huh," I asked myself,
An angel isn't anymore trustworthy than an elf.

That was the day I realized, on my deathbed, That trusting anyone was of no use at all.

Actual School Excuse Notes
These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country: 
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. 
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 
3. Dear School: Please excuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33. 
4. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. 
5. Please excuse Ray from school on Friday. He has very loose vowels. 
6. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. 
7. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas 

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